DISCLAIMER:  Hmmm…  not a lot of characters who aren’t mine here for a change.  Jessie,  of course is not one of them,  nor is her “hubby” James.  If I had that kinda money,  I’d be commissioning a second season of Hellsing at this moment.  On another note,  I must point out that Musachan and Angela are very real people,  and that the Frying Pan O’ Death®  is all Musachan’s.  Thanks,  everyone!

RED ROCKET CROSSFIRE

With your host,  Allan North

Tonight’s Featured Guest:  White Rocket Billy J. Weston

ALLAN:  Good evening,  everyone,  and welcome to another edition of Red Rocket Crossfire.  Please join me in welcoming my guest tonight,  Mr. Billy Weston,  White Rocket!

BILLY:  (whispering from off stage)  The famous sex machine!

ALLAN:  (Groaning)  Ugh.  Famous sex machine.

BILLY ENTERS ON STAGE WITH A SMILE AND A WAVE,  AND SAUNTERS TO HIS SEAT OPPOSITE ALLAN’S. 

ALLAN:  Welcome,  Billy.

BILLY:  Sup, Boss?

ALLAN:  Now,  then,  you asked me to create this segment to give you a chance to offer your viewpoint on a number of…  (referring to an index card)  “vicious lies and half-truths”? 

BILLY:  That’s right,  Allan.  Frankly,  a number of lies have been circulating about me through your website,  and I think you owe me the chance to present to your readers the true side of everything.

ALLAN:  (Unimpressed)  Really.

BILLY:  Now,  don’t get me wrong,  I’m sure it’s not you,.  It must be some Internet hacker putting these lies in.

ALLAN:  Right.  ::COUGH:liar:COUGH::  Oh,  excuse me.  Now then,  what is the first lie you’d like to…  er,  disprove?

BILLY:  Well,  the first one is this lie that my Flari doesn’t obey me and attacks me with his flamethrower attack.

ALLAN:  You refer to your Flareon and it’s behavior in “Criminal”,  right?

BILLY:  Right.  As you’ll recall,  we were in a balloon. 

ALLAN:  A balloon you were knocked out of.

BILLY:  Don’t cloud the issue.  I’m getting to that. 

ALLAN:  (Rolls eyes)  Right.  Continue.

BILLY:  What really happened was that the gas jet for the balloon failed.  White Rocket Jessie Randwhyte and I would have fallen to our deaths had Flari not heroically stepped in as I had trained him to do. 

ALLAN:  And the burns on your face?

BILLY:  Carelessness.  I was accidentally in the way.

ALLAN:  Right.  OK,  notwithstanding the total ridiculousness of that argument ::COUGH:what a load of crap: COUGH::,  Let’s move on.  What about Jessie knocking your sorry butt out of the balloon with a mallet after you hit on her?

BILLY:  Another vicious lie spread by player haters on the Internet.  The truth is I had just finished giving Ms. Randwhyte the most exquisite physical pleasure she had ever known when I accidentally tumbled out in a state of bliss.

ALLAN:  Carelessness again? 

BILLY:  A Weston is always the best,  if not the most coordinated.

ALLAN:  (Holding his head)  Let’s take a commercial break.

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ALLAN:  And we’re back.  Wish I had one of those frying pans right now…

BILLY:  Huh?

ALLAN:  Nothing.  Now then,  Billy,  you mentioned that you have more lies to discuss? 

BILLY:  Of course.  My next lie comes to us from a fic called ’77 Heaven.

ALLAN:  About your obsessive behavior concerning your rattletrap.

BILLY:  Yes!  First off the lie that it came to me from a junkyard…

ALLAN:  Er,  Billy…

BILLY:  Hush.  The truth is that I inherited that car from the famous Cerulean Slim,  the most esteemed player to ever grace the streets of that fair city.

ALLAN:  Billy,  I thought you narrated that fic.

BILLY:  ::Sweatdrops::  I was drugged!  Forced to say those things by my enemies!  It’s all a conspiracy,  like the sixteenth man on the grassy knoll!  Or the aliens in Area 62!  Or the fact that Amelia Earhart’s brain is being kept alive in a castle in Paraguay!

ALLAN:  (Muttering)  Oh, Lord help us.

BILLY:  But I undress.  Now then…

ALLAN:  Er, I think you mean digress.

BILLY:  Whatever.  Another lie from that story is how ’77 got her bullet holes in her tailgate.

ALLAN:  From Annie Masterson?

BILLY:  Lies.  Well,  Annie was involved,  but not quite in the way that fic said she was.

ALLAN:  Really.

BILLY:  Yep.  The truth is,  the lovely Ms. Masterson had been rendered helpless by a group of 100-  no,  200 Klan bikers who were about to have their way with her.  In her desperation,  she cried,  “Oh,  who will come to my rescue?  I’m holding out for a hero!”

ALLAN:  ::Stifling laughter::  Annie Masterson said that?

BILLY:  Definitely.  Anyway,  I had just finished balancing the world’s budget,  so I raced in there and fought off all 300 of them single handed-

ALLAN:  ::Laughing harder::  you said 200.

BILLY:  Did I?  Ooops.  Anyway,  I fought them off and whisked Ms. Masterson away to my trusty ’77 and we sped away to a night of passion as those pathetic fools tried to shoot at us.  Naturally, my expert driving skills and the power of ’77 got us out with only a few scrapes.

ALLAN:  Now we’re just getting unbelievable. 

BILLY:  My brilliance is unbelievable, isn’t it?

ALLAN:  And that’s really what happened with Annie,  eh?

BILLY:  Of course!  By the way,  I’ll need an  armed escort out of here.

ALLAN:  I bet.  Well,  we’re just about out of time tonight, so-

BILLY:  Waitaminute!  I haven’t even begun to tell you about the hot love I shared with Jessie Morgan in the Resort in Angela’s fic “Dare to Hope”!

ALLAN:  Uhhhh,  we won’t go there.  All right?

BILLY:  Oh, right.  Don’t wanna give hubby an inferiority complex,  right?

ALLAN:  ::Muttering:: Yeah, right, whatever.  So, anyway,  good night and thanks for joining us!

::CAMERAS CLICK OFF::

BILLY:  Thanks for this chance, Boss.  People finally know the truth.  At last,  I’ll have the fan base I deserve as a hero!

ALLAN:  Uh,  yeah.  Sure,  no problem.  (Pointing off stage)  Your armed escort is here.

BILLY:  (Turns to see Annie Masterson,  her .45 twirling on her finger.)  Eeep.

ANNIE:  How many Bikers,  Weston?!

BILLY:  (Whimpering)  Oh, help.

ALLAN:  ::Chuckling:: Good night,  Billy.  Or should I say, Good-bye.

FADE TO BLACK